I suppose it’s to be expected I shouldn’t put myself down too much. When I step back and assess my life and how I’ve tended to respond to various circumstances, I can see that change brings up fear for me. Big change brings up big fear. And the plans for this coming fall represent REALLY big change.
The journey we are preparing for is truly a trip into the unknown. I have no real reference for it and can’t even really project what it will be like. I have never lived out of a vehicle for more than about 3 weeks. I haven’t been out of internet range for more than about 72 hours in the last 5 years. I am finding myself unable to prepare myself emotionally for this trip. This leaves my thoughts in a state of unrest as there is nothing solid for them to grab onto.
Although I imagine that this adventure will lead to beautiful, sunny vistas, it’s amazing how fear still creeps in. No matter how much I try to reassure myself that this will be wonderful, the response to change remains the same as it always has and I feel myself approaching a cliff edge representing the unknown. The draw to pull closer is irresistible, and I am reminded of a friend of mine who has an extreme fear of heights because she doesn’t trust that someday she won’t resist the intense urge to jump. Will I jump when the change is upon us? Will it even be a jump or a gentle nudge from the continent of Familiar and Known?